This is exactly what I was trying to say. But couldnt find the words for some reason. Very nicely said.
Marriage: How much do you REALLY have to give up?
- Thread starter Metallic36
- Start date
This is exactly what I was trying to say. But couldnt find the words for some reason. Very nicely said.
MazdaSpeeder
Member
- :
- Protege5 (5-spd)
I agree. My wife and I are close to 2 years married, and it's definitely not always easy. She really wants a keyboard so she can pursue music, her major passion, and I would love more mods for my P5...but right now I'm in school, so that's where our money is going. My wife has volunteered to work more than I do so that I can get through school. We're putting off having kids until I'm done (something we both really want), then she will at most work part time while I make the majority of our income so she can be home with the kids. I understand your frustration- if your fiance really cares about you, he should be willing to work through the budget with you and both of you have to be flexible with what you give up. Maybe that means the horses, maybe it means the MSP, maybe it means something of his, but all of these decisions should be made together. Compromise is the name of the game, but it should always be motivated by a slefless love for the other person...just my 2 cents.
Truthfully, some of the people on here are beating up on this guy, and I think it's kind of unwarranted.
With the facts at hand, it sounds like you have way more monthly expense stuff than he does. If that is the case, you're going to get rid of more than he will. That's just the reality of the situation.
The way I read it, you are moving to where he is? And in the process giving up a good job? Why not relocate to where you are? Would that make things any more financially feasible?
Truthfully, when you get married, you need to re-prioritize. Family first, then toys for each of you. It's no longer "his" and "her" paychecks...it's a couples income. Period. If that means that you have to give up a lot, that may be necessary. At least for the time being.
If you really love him (which it sounds like you do), you need to get rid of all that stuff, get financially stable with your new family unit/jobs, and then get back to what you enjoy outside of the marriage.
It's not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Good luck.
With the facts at hand, it sounds like you have way more monthly expense stuff than he does. If that is the case, you're going to get rid of more than he will. That's just the reality of the situation.
The way I read it, you are moving to where he is? And in the process giving up a good job? Why not relocate to where you are? Would that make things any more financially feasible?
Truthfully, when you get married, you need to re-prioritize. Family first, then toys for each of you. It's no longer "his" and "her" paychecks...it's a couples income. Period. If that means that you have to give up a lot, that may be necessary. At least for the time being.
If you really love him (which it sounds like you do), you need to get rid of all that stuff, get financially stable with your new family unit/jobs, and then get back to what you enjoy outside of the marriage.
It's not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Good luck.
Metallic36
Member
- :
- 2003 Mazda6 3.0L Speed Yellow
I do have more bills than him, and tonight I finally got him to realize that him moving would probably be better. I will end up selling my car and one horse, keeping the other horse. That should help out with things, so we will see. Not doing anything until after we get married, but I'd rather plan it all now. With him moving, that will help financially, rent is cheaper here than where he is at. Over there, a 1 br/1 ba would be almost as much as my 3/2.
That sounds like a good plan, I hope it works out.
Besides, isn't there a wal-mart practically everywhere?
I've read all of this thread. Some good advice has been given.
My wife and I have been married for almost 39 years. We lived in a time when it was frowned on to live together without a marriage certificate. We've had our spats over children, money, etc. She's the spender. I'm the saver. Trust me, we're like two poles of a magnet. However, it takes two people with opposite personalities to make things work.
My wife didn't have to work for most of the years that our children were growing up; so, I had to budget closely to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food to eat, with maybe a little left over for other things. During that time, I made sure she had some of the things she likes to have because she allowed me to do likewise. We usually discussed big ticket items and agreed on them before we did anything. She did babysitting for spending money; and, she spent every penny she made on clothes, fun things, etc. I took care of everything else. There were still times when we disagreed on monetary items. She'd spend money we didn't have budgeted for something; and, I'd get upset that she did it without telling me, first. You have to work together, if you want a marriage to succeed. Money is one thing that can quickly break up a marriage.
When our kids grew up, I was fortunate enough to retire early. She had gone back to work to have something to do. The bread earning roles changed. Before she went to work, we agreed that she would have to take on some responsibilities; or, I could not afford for her to work. I'd be stuck with paying extra taxes and have nothing to show for it other than our house filling up with more clothes than she can wear in a lifetime. She pays the utilities, buys groceries, and takes us out to eat. I pay for everything else. Yeah, it sounds like she's getting the shaft; but, she isn't. My outlay for things like cars, insurance, taxes, home repairs, etc cost more than she contributes. I think she likes to contribute, now; and, she has plenty to spend on herself. So far, this has worked for about 13 years. Right now, I'm trying to get her to retire. My SS will kick in, this year; so, there is no need for her to work. I can't get her to quit! I'd give her an allowance that matches mine; but, she won't quit. She likes her independence, too much.
This plan has worked for us. She still spends all of her money; and, I still save some. We have more money than we've had in our lives because I held onto some of my income. We still have fun things. Neither of us wants for much. Shoot, we just bought a car so we can attend cruise-ins together.
BTW, both of us have moved to places we didn't want. It goes both ways. It sounds like your place may be a good place to start, not some place that will strain your incomes before you ever get started. You can plan to move up, after you see how things go. Kids today get into big financial trouble because they chose to start out big without figuring out how to pay for it. All that does is ruin your credit rating that you will need all of your life, unless you're filthy rich.
For now, you might consider living together to see how it works. Have three checking accounts. One for each of you and one that you share. That way, each of you has money you can control for yourselves. Get rid of all credit card debt and other bills you may have. You've agreed to pare down the horses to one. That's good since you can only ride one, anyway. As for the car, is it the only one you have? To go to work, you need a car. My wife always had a car, even when she didn't work. I look at that as an essential, unless you're like us. We have four cars and a truck. That's a bit over the limit for two people. We're trying to sell one of the cars.
If you two can't sort things out between now and October, you can split up and will have lost nothing. Once married, it's harder to undo. Make sure you know what you're jumping into, first. Both must learn to give and take. Neither should have to give up everything in the other partner's favor. That will never work.
My wife and I have been married for almost 39 years. We lived in a time when it was frowned on to live together without a marriage certificate. We've had our spats over children, money, etc. She's the spender. I'm the saver. Trust me, we're like two poles of a magnet.
However, it takes two people with opposite personalities to make things work. My wife didn't have to work for most of the years that our children were growing up; so, I had to budget closely to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food to eat, with maybe a little left over for other things. During that time, I made sure she had some of the things she likes to have because she allowed me to do likewise. We usually discussed big ticket items and agreed on them before we did anything. She did babysitting for spending money; and, she spent every penny she made on clothes, fun things, etc. I took care of everything else. There were still times when we disagreed on monetary items. She'd spend money we didn't have budgeted for something; and, I'd get upset that she did it without telling me, first. You have to work together, if you want a marriage to succeed. Money is one thing that can quickly break up a marriage.
When our kids grew up, I was fortunate enough to retire early. She had gone back to work to have something to do. The bread earning roles changed. Before she went to work, we agreed that she would have to take on some responsibilities; or, I could not afford for her to work. I'd be stuck with paying extra taxes and have nothing to show for it other than our house filling up with more clothes than she can wear in a lifetime. She pays the utilities, buys groceries, and takes us out to eat. I pay for everything else. Yeah, it sounds like she's getting the shaft; but, she isn't. My outlay for things like cars, insurance, taxes, home repairs, etc cost more than she contributes. I think she likes to contribute, now; and, she has plenty to spend on herself. So far, this has worked for about 13 years. Right now, I'm trying to get her to retire. My SS will kick in, this year; so, there is no need for her to work. I can't get her to quit! I'd give her an allowance that matches mine; but, she won't quit. She likes her independence, too much.
This plan has worked for us. She still spends all of her money; and, I still save some. We have more money than we've had in our lives because I held onto some of my income. We still have fun things. Neither of us wants for much. Shoot, we just bought a car so we can attend cruise-ins together.
BTW, both of us have moved to places we didn't want. It goes both ways. It sounds like your place may be a good place to start, not some place that will strain your incomes before you ever get started. You can plan to move up, after you see how things go. Kids today get into big financial trouble because they chose to start out big without figuring out how to pay for it. All that does is ruin your credit rating that you will need all of your life, unless you're filthy rich.
For now, you might consider living together to see how it works. Have three checking accounts. One for each of you and one that you share. That way, each of you has money you can control for yourselves. Get rid of all credit card debt and other bills you may have. You've agreed to pare down the horses to one. That's good since you can only ride one, anyway. As for the car, is it the only one you have? To go to work, you need a car. My wife always had a car, even when she didn't work. I look at that as an essential, unless you're like us. We have four cars and a truck. That's a bit over the limit for two people. We're trying to sell one of the cars.
If you two can't sort things out between now and October, you can split up and will have lost nothing. Once married, it's harder to undo. Make sure you know what you're jumping into, first. Both must learn to give and take. Neither should have to give up everything in the other partner's favor. That will never work.
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- -- 03 P5 / 23 CX-5 --
Finally, someone busted out with the "C" word. This is what it's about. It's not about 2 people having seperate lives/bills living together - that's just roomates. It's about giving up things that don't fit into a partnership & that just bring negativity into the relationship in one way or another that usually were just mostly part of the "hunting" for someone to share your life with. It's right when both drop such unecessary things. One may have more of those than the other. The point of even having a long-term relationship with one person is to both benefit in every way, not for one to rule over the other. It doesn't matter who makes more & how the ****** bills are split. When you're married they are as follows: you make half of her pay & she makes half of your pay jobwise & any debts either of you have you are both responsible for half of anyway & put both lids on the toilet down every time & there you go, everybody wins or not. In this particular case I would have to say stand up for what you think is best for you & your daughter. You've obviously got things situated for you & your daughter's happiness & any disturbance in that should add to your life, not take away from it & become stressful akward regret. If it doesn't feel right for both then it won't fly long-term. I would also say your childs happiness & well being are more important than his. He needs to understand where you are as a mother & have respect for what may be better for others before what he thinks is best for him. A real man who truly cares for both of you would. All of the above is also in the light of an actual relationship, not just some financial convienence thing which doesn't seem to be the case for you. Those situations come with different rules, quite a few that have already been brought up earlier in this thread by others. Damn, I sound like my parents used to sound when I was 20 something! God that sux. Time, the equal opportunity destruction of us all.LOL. Good luck & go with your gut instincts.
edit - BTW, I have a 25 yr old truck that has survived a bad marriage & 2 kickass kids, mandatory child support for 15+yrs, college & voluntary child support for 2 20 yr old twin girls since then & the current "real" marriage so it's possible to have a happy marriage & keep your personal interests/dreams. +2 on what the person above me posted!
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MazdaSpeeder
Member
- :
- Protege5 (5-spd)
I've read all of this thread. Some good advice has been given.
My wife and I have been married for almost 39 years. We lived in a time when it was frowned on to live together without a marriage certificate. We've had our spats over children, money, etc. She's the spender. I'm the saver. Trust me, we're like two poles of a magnet.
My wife didn't have to work for most of the years that our children were growing up; so, I had to budget closely to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food to eat, with maybe a little left over for other things. During that time, I made sure she had some of the things she likes to have because she allowed me to do likewise. We usually discussed big ticket items and agreed on them before we did anything. She did babysitting for spending money; and, she spent every penny she made on clothes, fun things, etc. I took care of everything else. There were still times when we disagreed on monetary items. She'd spend money we didn't have budgeted for something; and, I'd get upset that she did it without telling me, first. You have to work together, if you want a marriage to succeed. Money is one thing that can quickly break up a marriage.
When our kids grew up, I was fortunate enough to retire early. She had gone back to work to have something to do. The bread earning roles changed. Before she went to work, we agreed that she would have to take on some responsibilities; or, I could not afford for her to work. I'd be stuck with paying extra taxes and have nothing to show for it other than our house filling up with more clothes than she can wear in a lifetime. She pays the utilities, buys groceries, and takes us out to eat. I pay for everything else. Yeah, it sounds like she's getting the shaft; but, she isn't. My outlay for things like cars, insurance, taxes, home repairs, etc cost more than she contributes. I think she likes to contribute, now; and, she has plenty to spend on herself. So far, this has worked for about 13 years. Right now, I'm trying to get her to retire. My SS will kick in, this year; so, there is no need for her to work. I can't get her to quit! I'd give her an allowance that matches mine; but, she won't quit. She likes her independence, too much.
This plan has worked for us. She still spends all of her money; and, I still save some. We have more money than we've had in our lives because I held onto some of my income. We still have fun things. Neither of us wants for much. Shoot, we just bought a car so we can attend cruise-ins together.
BTW, both of us have moved to places we didn't want. It goes both ways. It sounds like your place may be a good place to start, not some place that will strain your incomes before you ever get started. You can plan to move up, after you see how things go. Kids today get into big financial trouble because they chose to start out big without figuring out how to pay for it. All that does is ruin your credit rating that you will need all of your life, unless you're filthy rich.
For now, you might consider living together to see how it works. Have three checking accounts. One for each of you and one that you share. That way, each of you has money you can control for yourselves. Get rid of all credit card debt and other bills you may have. You've agreed to pare down the horses to one. That's good since you can only ride one, anyway. As for the car, is it the only one you have? To go to work, you need a car. My wife always had a car, even when she didn't work. I look at that as an essential, unless you're like us. We have four cars and a truck. That's a bit over the limit for two people. We're trying to sell one of the cars.
If you two can't sort things out between now and October, you can split up and will have lost nothing. Once married, it's harder to undo. Make sure you know what you're jumping into, first. Both must learn to give and take. Neither should have to give up everything in the other partner's favor. That will never work.
(iagree) Wise words from someone who's been there...
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- 2003 Black Mica MazdaSpeed Protege
Jennifer - just because you're getting engaged/married does not mean you have to give up the things you like to do. If you've had the money to do this on your own with just you and your daughter, then chances are you'll be able to keep doing it when you're married. Personally, I'd suggest having him move in with you. Maintain status quo and see what happens.
And it is about compromise, not one-sided giving. That's one of the quickest ways to create resentment and kill the relationship.
And it is about compromise, not one-sided giving. That's one of the quickest ways to create resentment and kill the relationship.
This is about the same for my and my gf. We have been together for about the same time (a bit longer) too.
We work our bils about the same as ForceFed does. We each have our own money for our own bills, and our own entertainment.
What we did for our "joint" bills, and is the absolute most fair way to do it is this...
Add up both of your salaries, the figure out what percentage you each make of the total. Example, I make 56% of our total income, and my girl makes 44%.
Add up all of your shared bills (housing, food, utilities, etc, etc). Each of you are now responsible for your share, based on the percentage of your income. ie, I pay 56% of our "joint" bills, and she pays 44%. That is the most equitable way to do things.
As far as giving things up, why does he feel you need to give things up? Is it to make ends meet, or can you comfortably survive with your current expenses?
Ah I saw this thread and knew I was going to have to respond. I have been married for 11 years. I had many toys when we got married and one by one they all went. Well, most of them. Motorcycles, 280z project car, 2 out of 3 mazdas etc. I felt stupid when selling my last bike felt like a funeral but that is what it felt like.
We still have the dreaded "budget" talks. But I think they are needed, even though I hate them, because my input needs to be in them too. We combine our money and without my input the "budget" will still happen. #1 are the kids and I do pretty much everything for them nowdays.
My biggest challenge in the beginning was how do I get this wonderful woman who is 100% happy as can be driving her 1989 rusted out, faded, smoking Volvo DL station wagon to feel the same way I do about the car I drive? I couldn't. I just had to do the best I could to let her know that it was important to me, that was the only thing that was going to make it somewhat improtant to her. It has gotten ugly a few times but I have stuck with it. Some things you just have to have to stay sane.
Don't get me wrong I'll be the first to admit my wife wears the pants in the house. But you cannot give up everything and still feel like you have some individuality. My advice is that you have to communicate all that to imr or else it will just get worse. He feels he is doing the right thing you have to explain why it may not be and come up with some "budget" ideas as well.
My 2cents.
We still have the dreaded "budget" talks. But I think they are needed, even though I hate them, because my input needs to be in them too. We combine our money and without my input the "budget" will still happen. #1 are the kids and I do pretty much everything for them nowdays.
My biggest challenge in the beginning was how do I get this wonderful woman who is 100% happy as can be driving her 1989 rusted out, faded, smoking Volvo DL station wagon to feel the same way I do about the car I drive? I couldn't. I just had to do the best I could to let her know that it was important to me, that was the only thing that was going to make it somewhat improtant to her. It has gotten ugly a few times but I have stuck with it. Some things you just have to have to stay sane.
Don't get me wrong I'll be the first to admit my wife wears the pants in the house. But you cannot give up everything and still feel like you have some individuality. My advice is that you have to communicate all that to imr or else it will just get worse. He feels he is doing the right thing you have to explain why it may not be and come up with some "budget" ideas as well.
My 2cents.
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flipmode815
Member
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- mazda, mp3, #908
I didnt have to give up anything, ive been married a little less then a year and my wife actually helps me get parts for my car and helps install them. The only thing my wife gave up was seeing her family but thats only cause she moved to Utah where im from and her family is in Indiana.
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- 96 Miata M-Edition, 2015 Mazda 3 Hatch
I gave up smoking.
That's infinitely harder.
That's infinitely harder.
So, it seems to go back to compromise. If there's no give and take by both, it won't work. Some of us are able to figure that out with the first marriage. For some, it never comes, no matter how many marriages. Maybe my wife and I just got lucky on the first try. Well, I guess the fact that we still love each other helps.
BTW, some feel you have to do everything together to make things work. I have friends who have little time for the things they like to do because all of their time is expected to be spent with the spouse and kids. Always allow yourselves some quality time doing something outside the family. My wife and I have totally different interests on many things. She does her thing. I do mine. It works. We don't smother each other. However, we do enough together that the bond remains. This year, we'll try doing cruise-ins. I'm a pilot; but, she does not like to fly. I don't like going to sporting events. We both enjoy things like cruise-ins, etc. which are nothing more than social gatherings. I think we'll have a good time.
BTW, some feel you have to do everything together to make things work. I have friends who have little time for the things they like to do because all of their time is expected to be spent with the spouse and kids. Always allow yourselves some quality time doing something outside the family. My wife and I have totally different interests on many things. She does her thing. I do mine. It works. We don't smother each other. However, we do enough together that the bond remains. This year, we'll try doing cruise-ins. I'm a pilot; but, she does not like to fly. I don't like going to sporting events. We both enjoy things like cruise-ins, etc. which are nothing more than social gatherings. I think we'll have a good time.
Fyrespirit37
Member
Being married doesn't mean you give up everything, but finances are tricky and are a peice of the marriage pie. Personally I love being married even though money is tight. I'm in graduate school and they don't pay that well. My wife and I have one car that we share (protege mp3) and it was just in an accident. I had paid it off in cash when I bought it so I never had a car payment. I don't believe in them because a car typically does not appreciate (that said if you want one I don't look at you funny or what not) its just the way I work. I loved that car so I can fully understand your attachment to your MSP and personally if your MSP is how you relax and get that good "quiet time" with yourself. I would look into finding a way to pay that bad boy off or a plan to take car of it month to month.
Second, if he works at wal-mart I am sure he could work many places. I would look into living where your family can have a job and an affordable house that is what you want and enjoy being married. You have a daughter that you take care of as well so that adds a different dynamic to budgeting and living as well.
Third, my wife and I do not have personal expenses built into our budget. We have netflix and go on walks for dates. Its not a lot but it is special for us. I have her get involved with the budget so she knows where we stand and what we need to follow to stay "afloat". And when you lose your car and have to figure out what to do with that at the same time your trying to afford a better place to move to its frustrating.
Take home message: Be calm, patient, and loving. Understand where he is coming from and calmly help him understand where you are coming from. He may need to cut out his expenses some too, but if he has less 'want' expenses IE. Car payment, Horse Fee's, Video games and whatnot it would be harder for him to cut them out, but I don't know the situation. Work with each other into making a realistic budget for you two as a couple piece by piece and talk rationally about why or how much money is needed in each of the areas.
I hope this helps even though I am biased on the car I'm only trying to give some learned advice.
Second, if he works at wal-mart I am sure he could work many places. I would look into living where your family can have a job and an affordable house that is what you want and enjoy being married. You have a daughter that you take care of as well so that adds a different dynamic to budgeting and living as well.
Third, my wife and I do not have personal expenses built into our budget. We have netflix and go on walks for dates. Its not a lot but it is special for us. I have her get involved with the budget so she knows where we stand and what we need to follow to stay "afloat". And when you lose your car and have to figure out what to do with that at the same time your trying to afford a better place to move to its frustrating.
Take home message: Be calm, patient, and loving. Understand where he is coming from and calmly help him understand where you are coming from. He may need to cut out his expenses some too, but if he has less 'want' expenses IE. Car payment, Horse Fee's, Video games and whatnot it would be harder for him to cut them out, but I don't know the situation. Work with each other into making a realistic budget for you two as a couple piece by piece and talk rationally about why or how much money is needed in each of the areas.
I hope this helps even though I am biased on the car I'm only trying to give some learned advice.
kickniteasy
Member
man, after reading all these posts I'm happy I'm with a car girl....lol. I want my subie, she wants her 323gtx. Should work out nicely =).
GhostMercury
Member
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- MazdaSpeed 3 08.5
honestly i havent read this whole thread just your main post and some other random ones, but one thing i just wanted to say was that you need to be happy, if your living fine where you are with your horses and you car, well then he should accept that, he should not be the one to tell you you need to get rid of your dreams, they are your dreams for a reason, and then ask yourself if he is a part of your dreams or just someone nice to have around.
(Granted i know nothing about your relationship) but its something you seriously need to think about to yourself, cause its not just a car or just an animal its him making you give up something you love.
(Granted i know nothing about your relationship) but its something you seriously need to think about to yourself, cause its not just a car or just an animal its him making you give up something you love.
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- 2002 22A P5 and 2007 TR MS3
What I really don't understand is why money would suddenly be so tight, you're a single mother with a three year old...I'm assuming you've budgeted and can afford the things you have without going into debt.....so why can't you afford them when you get married.....Marriage is not about giving up who you are, it is about being who you are with someone you love, and looking together in the same direction...sound to me like he's looking at the floor in walmart and not much further...
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Everyone has been helpful and talked about compromise, communication, etc. I have to ask....
You are leaving a job where you make good money to move closer to a Walmart?? Is he a region manager or something? He wants to stay there and for you to start over so he can get a discount?
Walmart may mean more there than it does here so I am sorry if I offend. Here it is a place for highschoolers to work until they go away to college.
He is giving up a game console and you are flipping your life over. New job, new house, no horses, no MSP. For what, so he can work at walmart and you pay more than he does for the bills???
Now if he was going to school while working at walmart and had a master plan in mind then I might understand but it should still be his responsibility to find a way to make an extra income to allow you to keep your passions alive. Isn't that why he fell in love with you in the first place? Being level headed, goal oriented, passionate, and intellectual? There is always a way to work things out if you try hard enough.
You are leaving a job where you make good money to move closer to a Walmart?? Is he a region manager or something? He wants to stay there and for you to start over so he can get a discount?
Walmart may mean more there than it does here so I am sorry if I offend. Here it is a place for highschoolers to work until they go away to college.
He is giving up a game console and you are flipping your life over. New job, new house, no horses, no MSP. For what, so he can work at walmart and you pay more than he does for the bills???
Now if he was going to school while working at walmart and had a master plan in mind then I might understand but it should still be his responsibility to find a way to make an extra income to allow you to keep your passions alive. Isn't that why he fell in love with you in the first place? Being level headed, goal oriented, passionate, and intellectual? There is always a way to work things out if you try hard enough.
