For Men Tired Of Receiving Male-bashing Jokes

[Rogue]

I know many have seen these before, sometime in their life, but they're still funny. Enjoy!
(2thumbs)


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
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Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[STLBLKMSP]

(lol) absolutly to funny

[Midnight22]

o geez... lol, so funny... i'm sure the women will think otherwise... i like the God one, lol

[Esteban Toledo]

(laugh)

[Turbo Matty P]

my favorite is the evolutionary foot/sink joke!

[2K3 MSP]

Let the FLAMING begin!!!

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN.

Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet,
desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.

[Turbo Matty P]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. you've already told that bitch twice!

[chino]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing see hasn't heard twice before

[chino]

DAMNIT

[Turbo Matty P]

busted Chino! a little too slow!

[Kooldino]

Very nice. :)

[RyanJayG]

Originally posted by Turbo Matty P
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. you've already told that bitch twice!

damn you beat me to it... I was literally gonna type that right now

[Turbo Matty P]

Since we're woman bashing....

Whats the difference between a grocery bag and Michael Jackson?


One's white, made of plastic and dangerous to little children. the other you put groceries in.

[alexlitov]

(lol)

[chino]

oh we're on to child molestation jokes?

A pedophile and a kid are walking through the woods late at night. The little boy keeps remarking how scared he is. The pedophile finally says "Would you stop your bitching already??
I have to walk all the way back by myself."

[OhioMSPinNJ]

(rofl) (rofl) (rofl) (rofl)

The second greatest thread ever (Behind the Hot Girl Thread)...

[Turbo Matty P]

hehehe....Here is a an Alabama football joke. I'm sure everyone at somepoint has heard of Paul "Bear" Bryant.....he's treated like a God here. (for no reason).....here's the joke.

How are alabama fans like maggots?

They can both live off a dead Bear for 10 years!

[2K3 MSP]

Why Men Are Just Happier People:

-Your last name stays put.
-The garage is all yours.
-Wedding plans take care of themselves.
-Chocolate is just another snack.
-You can be president.
-You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
-Car mechanics tell you the truth.
-The world is your urinal.
-You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
-Same work, more pay..
-Wrinkles add character..
-Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
-People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
-The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
-New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
-One mood, ALL the time..
-Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
-You know stuff about tanks.
-A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
-You can open all your own jars.
-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
-If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
-Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
-Everything on your face stays its original color.
-Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
-You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
-You almost never have strap problems in public.
-You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
-The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
-You don't have to shave below your neck.
-Your belly usually hides your big hips.
-One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
-You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
-You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
-You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

[Rogue]

Originally posted by OhioMSPinNJ
(rofl) (rofl) (rofl) (rofl)

The second greatest thread ever (Behind the Hot Girl Thread)...

Thank you, that means a lot to me. I would also like to thank at this time all those who made this possible STLBLKMSP, Midnightracer22, Esteban Toledo, Turbo Matty P, 2K3 Mazdaspeed, chino, Kooldino, RyanJayG, alexlitov, and OhioMSPinNJ.

[Dreeza]

hahahahhaha (rofl) the ones in the original post are hilarious


LOL, so are 2k3mazdaspeeds.....a lotta that soo does not apply to me though!! then again, some of it does :p

[Midnight22]

Originally posted by Dreeza
hahahahhaha (rofl) the ones in the original post are hilarious


LOL, so are 2k3mazdaspeeds.....a lotta that soo does not apply to me though!! then again, some of it does :p

she's still talkin... damn they must be true!! rofl

[Dreeza]

Originally posted by Midnightracer22
she's still talkin... damn they must be true!! rofl

WTF is that supposed to mean????

[Midnight22]

Originally posted by Dreeza
WTF is that supposed to mean????

see what did i say? my point has been proven :D

[Turbo Matty P]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who cares the whore can cook in the dark.

[Dreeza]

Originally posted by Midnightracer22
see what did i say? my point has been proven :D

yeah, well i am still not seeing your point!

turbo matty...thats terrible, but funny as fuck hahaha

[Turbo Matty P]

Three southern Baptist preachers and there wives are driving down the road when they get into a wreck and die. All six of them float up to heaven and are standing outside the Pearly Gates. Still in disbelief the men are discussing the ramifications of their lives and how it'll affect them in death. The first man says I'm a man of God I have nothing to fear. I'm going to heaven.

He approaches the pearly gates and says, "Saint Peter Saint Peter. It is I. Let me in!". Saint Peter looks at the man and greets him. It's good to see you again Tom. I'd love to let you in, but you know procedure. I have to check the great book here......uh oh. Tom, I'm afraid I can't let you in. It says here that you've lusted for money all your life. You've wanted and wanted and lusted after money. You never had any, but you lusted for it. In fact you lusted after money so bad you wouldn't marry until you met a woman named Penny. I'm afraid I can't let you in. *poof* sent to hell.

The next man says to his wife, "It's ok. I've never lusted for money in my life." "Saint Peter it's me Mark. Let me in." Saint peter greets the second man also. "You know I have to follow procedure, even though you're a good man. Uh oh....we have a problem here also. It says here in my book that you've spent your life lusting after alcohol. You crave it, you think about it, it consumes your life the lust for alcohol. Now granted you never had any, but just the same. It says here you lusted after alcohol so much you wouldn't marry until you met a woman named Sherry. I'm afraid I can't let you either". *poof* straight to hell.

The third man turns to his wife and says, "Well shit Fanny. We might as well get outta here!"

[Turbo Matty P]

Dreeza, i told my wife that this evening just before she drop kicked me in the chin!

[Dreeza]

Originally posted by Turbo Matty P
Dreeza, i told my wife that this evening just before she drop kicked me in the chin!

(lol) ouch!

and your other joke...(rofl2) i've heard that one

[Midnight22]

Originally posted by IA_Rogue

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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
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[/B]


Originally posted by Dreeza
yeah, well i am still not seeing your point!

turbo matty...thats terrible, but funny as fuck hahaha

ur still talking

[Dreeza]

Originally posted by Midnightracer22
ur still talking

and???



so are you...:p

[Midnight22]

Originally posted by Dreeza
and???



so are you...:p

but im not a woman...

[Turbo Matty P]

Let her speak as long as she's complimenting me or making pie......or making babies....or doing the laundry...or cleaning up after my beer spills.

[Dreeza]

Originally posted by Midnightracer22
but im not a woman...


what am i missing here???


so im not allowed to talk? im confused


anyways, turbomatty....(nuts)




jk

[Midnight22]

thread was focused on women, last i checked... which was never, but i am assuming (actually kinda hoping) that ur a woman, so all this pertains to u (assuming ur a woman)(which i hope u r)

(rofl)

[Dreeza]

Originally posted by Midnightracer22
thread was focused on women, last i checked... which was never, but i am assuming (actually kinda hoping) that ur a woman, so all this pertains to u (assuming ur a woman)(which i hope u r)

(rofl)

yeah i know it was! and yes i am a woman, soo, im still missing the part where i am not supposed to be talkin!!!

[Midnight22]

never said u wernt supposed to talk, just that ur re-inforcing the fact that women never stop talking

[Turbo Matty P]

woman....or woman in training?

[Midnight22]

she of the female species

[Dreeza]

Originally posted by Midnightracer22
never said u wernt supposed to talk, just that ur re-inforcing the fact that women never stop talking

yeah, well, ive noticed you talk a lot too

[Turbo Matty P]

bump